Swimming hero

Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What happened was some idiot was trying to show off and declared that he would swim across the Singapore River.

He jumped in and started swimming. But before he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic and started to shout for help.

Being typical Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor chap.

Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear that this hero couldn't swim !

Luckily a tongkang filled with tourists was passing by and the operator saw the incident and picked both men from the water. The crowd cheered !

Back on shore, the crowd cheered again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady Lah !" and "Awright, man !" were among the many congratulations shouted.

The hero looked angry and shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who pushed me into the water?")

Telur Goreng

Supernatural?

There was this case in a hospital's intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and always on Friday mornings, regardless of their medical conditions.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural. So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause.

Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. Some held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil....

As the time approached, their hearts began beating anxiously, and with every beat of the clock, everyone held their breath........ .... Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, came into the room and unplugged the life support system so that she could use the vacuum cleaner.

Smart boy.

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Shah Alam courtroom drama yesterday, when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. 

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Malaysian national football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Muthu's adventures.

* MUTHU & LONDON TRIP * 
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his 
wife, "Do I look like a foreigner?" 
Wife: "No! Why?" 
Muthu : "In London , a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'...that's why." 

* MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT * 
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First 
he cut off one leg and told it to "WALK! WALK!" The cockroach walked. 
Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked. 
Then he cut off the third leg and did the same. Finally, he cut 
off its fourth leg and ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't 
walk. Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, "I found it. 
If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf."

* MUTHU & DRIVER * 
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised 
tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror. 
Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive." 

* MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL * 
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to 
the washbasin. 
Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin. 
Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Muthu pointed 
towards the s ignboard "* WASH BASIN * " 

***** 

* MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART * 
Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor 
of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?" 
Muthu: "It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination." 

Police scenes

We found the Batman

Was going to get some nasi lemak when...

The following contains jokes that are offending to many (chinese, indian, malay) including myself (maybe having 1Malaysian spirit). Please do not read this post if you dislike racist jokes. By reading the racist jokes you are responsible for your own feelings.

Joke 1:
Three men were on a private aeroplane. A chinese, an indian and a malay man. The plane suddenly went out of control and the pilot who loved himself very much jumped off the plane with a parachute. The three men swiftly decided to grab the remaining parachutes and jump off the plane on the count of three. The malay counted to three and jumped off the aeroplane, followed by the chinese. Unfortunately, the poor indian man did not manage to escape.
Why was that so you racist bastard?
Because he took too long to count to three.

Joke 2:
Again, there were three men on a private aeroplane. Suddenly, the plane was about to crash again and the same pilot who was extremely terrified to have face the same situation again, jumped off immediately while ignoring the three passengers on board. This time there were no parachutes, so the three men decided to pray and hope that their Gods would save them from this reoccurring nightmare. The indian prayed and jumped off the plane, he survived the fall. The chinese followed and he was safe as well. Unfortunately, the malay did not survive.
Wow the malay died this time? What’s the issue now?
How was he supposed to find the Qibla in a state of panic?

Joke 3:
This time there were three men on a bus. A chinese, an indian and a malay (if you’ve noticed i arranged this alphabetically to avoid any misunderstanding). The chinese sat at the back of the bus, the malay sat in front of the chinese and the indian sat at the front of the bus (all in the same column if that makes sense). A robber with a gun suddenly came on the front of the bus and demanded for money. The bus driver ran out with fear almost immediately. The robber yelled out clearly that nobody was to move or else he would open fire. Suddenly the chinese who was curious and did not want to miss out on what was happening as he was not able to clearly witness the incident, he attempted to take a peek on what was going on at the front of the bus. The robber gave his warning and he was a man of his words and so he pulled the trigger. Unfortunately, the chinese took the shot.
But he was blocked the the indian and the malay?
Yes but they prayed. The indian at the front shifted his head from left to right repeatedly and dodged the bullet. The malay bent down while praying and also dodged the bullet. The chinese who wanted to know got to know.

In the event that you are currently feeling offended and are hating me, perhaps some non-offensive jokes would be able to calm you down.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the road got the wrong answer.

Why is the sea blue?
This is due to the sound that the fishes in the sea make.
“blook blook blook” =(epic translation)= blue

One day Batman, Spiderman and Superman decided to kick each other in the nuts but only spiderman felt the pain. Why?

He wasn’t wearing his super-underpants.

Which animal is known to be stingy?
The horse. When he runs, he produces the sound “kedekut kedekut kedekut”.

What do you call a blind deer?
Hmm i have “no eye deer”.

There was once a blind Chinese Emperor. Who?
Kang Xi. (Can’t See)

3 men with a project

There are three men, a malay, an indian and a chinese. all three are working for a contractor. one day, the contractor got a new project of building a small guard house. he then instruct all three of them with different task.

first the malay guy. he says "you, you are incharge with the foundation and the walls".

then he told the indian guy, "you, you are incharge with the roof and the paintings"

finally, he told the chinese guy, "you, you are incharge with the supplies of the material".

a month pass and only two guys are working on the project till its finish. the malay and indian guy. when the contractor arrives to have a final look, both of them complain that they have to procure the material themselves because the chinese who are incharge with supplies are missing since the first day.

so, the contractor decide, its ok, he wont pay him and go ahead inside the guardhouse to inspect.

when he opens up the door, come this chinese guy jumping from behind the door yelling "supppppliessssssss" (suprise!).

the contractor faint.

Mat on the moon

Q: A Malay person on the moon is a called? 

A: A problem

 Q: A group or Malay people on the moon is called? 

A: problemS 

 Q: The entire Malay population on the moon is called? 

A: Problem solve

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the values of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 -

You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

chinese and jews making business

A Chinese goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38. The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.
Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Chinese, please tell me: What do you do with all these black bras?

The Chinese answers: ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves as skull caps to the Jews for $200.00 each.

Malaysian Bomb Disposal win! =D

China Bomb Squad

US Bomb Squad

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Malaysia Bomb squad.

(with no protection... very hero)

"On the spot report!"

ahbeng again!

"Hello?"

"Hi honey.


This is Daddy.


Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Ah Beng."

After a brief pause,Daddy says,"But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Ah Beng."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."


Brief Pause.


"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.


"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"


"Oh my God!!! What about Uncle Ah Beng?"


"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."



***Long Pause***




Then Daddy says,"What...swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

Ahbeng Heroh.

Last night, an incident took place at Klang River. What happened was some idiot was trying to show off and declared that he would swim across the Klang River.
He jumped in and started swimming. But before he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic and started to shout for help.

Being typical Malaysians, a crowd started to gather to watch and yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor chap.

Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear that this hero couldn't swim !

Luckily a tongkang filled with tourists was passing by and the operator saw the incident and picked both men from the water. The crowd cheered !
Back on shore, the crowd cheered again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady Lah !" and "Awright, man !" were among the many congratulations shouted.

The hero looked angry and shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who pushed me into the water?")

-------X-------

There were 4 Ah Bengs. They decided to start a business. They decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipment and manpower. The 4 Ah Bengs waited that day for the car to arrive but no car entered their garage.They waited for 1 day,2 days, a week for the car to arrive but no car came to their garage. WHY? Because their garage was on the second floor.

After this failure they decided to try good old taxi driving. They bought a new London Cab & began to look for passengers. They drove past Orchard Road but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Changi Airport yet nobody hailed their taxi.

They even drove to Serangoon Road, even nobody hailed their taxi.In desperation they kept on driving all around Singapore but alas no one hailed their taxi. WHY? Because all the four Ah bengs were sitting in the taxi.

After the 4 Ah Bengs were very disappointed with their fate & decided to push their taxi into the sea. They started pushing their taxi. They push the whole day & were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch.

They decided to rest for a while & started to push again. The taxi just wouldn't move. WHY? Because 2 Ah Bengs were pushing the front & 2 from behind.

-------X-------

Ah Beng, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for him to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

Beng said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "He should. He was standing on the porch."
A short time later, Ah Beng came to the door to collect his money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," Ah Beng answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.


"And by the way," Ah Beng added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Fellali."

Embarrassing.

Say Cheese

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken to the first body.

'Clinton, 60, died of heart failure whilst in bed with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,' says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. 'Suharto, 70, made a pile from government funds, and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.

'Nothing unusual here', thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

Ah,' says the coroner. 'This is the most unusual one. Dr. Maahathirr, 75, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

To which the coroner replies, 'He thought he was having his picture taken.'

Intelligent.

One day there was a malay man talking to a chinese manager.

So, he asked the chinese,Why you guys so rich and we are so poor?*in a very angry way*
So the chinese man said: "do u really want to know?"
The malay man said yes.
So the chinese man put his hand on the wall.
He say "come hit my hand la."
(the malay guy use full power to hit it)

But then the Chinese man avoids it. and the Malay ends up hitting his own hand against the wall.
Malaÿ: Why did u avoid it?
Chinese say: This is call intelligent.

So the malay went back his kampong.
He say to his friend,Do You Know why chinese are so rich and we are so poor?
Then one of his friend say YES I WANT TO KNOW.
So he say come i show you.

*But that place dont have any wall*

So he ask another friend to come. He put his hand on another malay's face.

""PUNCH IT HAND HAND ON MY HAND"
So the friend punch it.But it did not hit his hand. It hit his friends face.
So the friend ask him why is he punching face?
He answer: This is call intelligent.

King of shit

VIA

/k/